a tale of two people

There are two situations in my life right now involving specific people that I'm having a hard time figuring out. I might have a plan of attack, but then when it comes right down to it, the plan doesn't work, and mostly, I'm left confused with how to handle each situation.


situation 1

A is someone I've known for quite some time and with whom I have been fairly close at times. We differ in a lot of ways, sometimes glaringly so, but there are other things that we share which have bonded us fairly tightly. Changes in our lives have sometimes prevented us from spending much time together, but when we did, we never missed a beat. A is fairly opinionated and outspoken about a number of things, especially when you know A very well. A moved back east a few years ago, and as I said goodbye, I pretty much realized that it was most likely going to be the end of our friendship. Not that anything was wrong, but the sheer circumstances of each of our lives and the distance was really going to make maintaining a real friendship nearly impossible. We would speak on the phone periodically, but there's only so much catching up and real discussion you can do in 45 minutes. I will admit that I wasn't very good at contacting A by email to keep in touch that way. We had a friendship that really worked much better face-to-face.

Last year, during a rare phone conversation, I ended up telling A about a situation that I was dealing with in my life, a situation she was all too familiar with herself. She ended up coming into town later in the year, and I had the chance to spend a day with her, in which we discussed the situation further. A was also dealing with personal difficulties, so we talked about that as well. But with regard to my situation, A was very clear about what A thought I should do. I wasn't so sure. I could see A's point, but I also had reservations, and doing what A thought I should do wasn't as easy as A was making it out to be. And ultimately, I know A doesn't approve of how I'm currently choosing to deal with the situation.

I haven't had any contact with A since, other than an exchange of Christmas cards. I've thought about emailing A just to say hi, but I know A is going to ask about my situation. And I'm still doing what A doesn't approve of and A can't understand why I'm doing it and why I'm not doing what A suggests as that seems to make the most sense to A. I've tried to explain myself some, but A doesn't think those are good reasons for my present choice. I could explain further, but I'm not sure it would make a difference. I don't think I'm going to be able to get A to understand why A's recommended route isn't something I can do at this time.

So basically, I've been a coward and not contacted A. And I feel worse because of the difficulties that A was dealing with, which means I'm not caught up on what's going on with that. So not only am I a coward, but I'm a bad friend. There's nothing really that I can do for A with regard to A's own problems, and A has plenty of other people to talk to about it, so it's not that either. But I do know that in "hiding" from A because of my own situation, I am also not making myself available to A either for A's situation.

I had pretty much figured that it was time to call it a day, that there wasn't going to be any big blow-up or anything like that to end things, but that our friendship would just fade away. And then, this week, I got a message from A. A is going to be in town next month and wants to see me. A has an update on A's own situation but A also said enough to make it clear that A wants to know how I'm doing with my situation. It looks like I will also be speaking to A on the phone before then.

I do look forward to speaking to and seeing A, but there's a part of me that is also nervous because I don't really have any different answer about my own situation than I had given last year. And while those who know me might be surprised at my reaction to A, I do know that A has my best interests at heart, and that A is trying to get me to do what A thinks is best for me. I can't answer the questions that A has about why I've currently chosen what I've chosen, at least not to A's satisfaction.


situation 2

Even though commonality is what binds us to our friends, we may also disagree with those same people about other things. I may not like a particular attitude or opinion or action of another person, and other people may not like some of the same things about me, but those differences aren't enough to prevent our still being friends. In most cases. In one particular case, I'm finding that there are some differences which I'm finding hard to ignore.

B is someone I'm around regularly because of a common connection. I'm not sure that I'd classify B as a friend exactly, but B is definitely more than an acquaintance. There are of course shared interests and opinions and differing ones as well, but in recent months, B has expressed a few opinions that I ... well ... I don't think I'd rise to the level of being offended, but I was certainly appalled and probably even angry. With regard to a few different subjects, B has expressed belief in stances that are things I routinely criticize (but not necessarily out loud) when I hear/read people express them. I find particular attitudes and outlooks to be objectionable, and I have tried to tune some of it out when B expresses it, but there have been a few occasions when I've found it impossible to do so. The proverbial straw-that-broke-the-camel's back came a couple of weeks ago, when I actually walked out during the conversation because it was the only way I could keep from saying something back to B when B made a particular statement that pissed me off.

As far as I can tell, B knows that I was really bothered by that, and B hasn't brought it up since. After the incident, I had decided to pull back mentally and socially, but because of circumstances, I can't sever the relationship nor can I pull back on actual contact. The things I find objectionable are only with regard to a couple specific topics, so as long as we avoid those topics, we actually get along really well. But there's a part of me that knows what lies beneath, what is capable of coming out at any time, what pervades many of the decisions that B makes. And I'm finding that I can't bring myself to be friends with someone who has those underlying beliefs. Because of those, B is probably someone I would keep at arms' length at best, but since the current circumstance doesn't allow that, I'm trying to find my way in how to manage our relationship, especially since, as I said, there are a lot of other things that I enjoy talking to/sharing with B about.