Expectations

Many emotional reactions stem directly from expectations - met or not met, adhered to or disregarded. If one has no expectations, then one cannot be pleasantly surprised nor can one be horribly blindsided. If there are no expectations, then anything can happen at any time, so anything happening at any time never comes as a surprise. However, if we expect something good, and it doesn't happen, then we're disappointed. If we're not expecting a particularly good thing and it happens, then we're pleasantly surprised. If we're expecting a bad thing, and it doesn't happen, then we might be relieved. If it does, then it might not be as much of a shock as if we'd never seen it coming.

Expectations don't just exist in situations but also in relationships. We generally have a feel for how we fit in with the rest of the world, at least the parts of the world where we interact most, and so we expect particular interactions with particular people. Even with total strangers, there is still some baseline expectation that is dictated by social norms. Our expected interactions with people depend on each specific relationship.

When I'm at the grocery store, I don't expect the cashier to make conversation with me. I expect to participate in a business transaction, perhaps exchanging mild pleasantries. If the person is particularly chatty and asks about my day and what I've been doing and what I have planned for the weekend, then that crosses the boundaries of the exchange of information that I expect with a cashier. On the other hand, if I'm with an acquaintance or a friend, and they have no interest in engaging in regular conversation with me, that again breaks the expectations. One friend making a derogatory comment to you might be ok because it's part of your banter, but coming from another friend, that same comment becomes a real insult. If an acquaintance continues to schedule get-togethers only to bail at the last minute, my reaction would be just to not schedule any more and write the person off as a flake. If a good friend continued to do that, I'd be more hurt because I'd expect to be treated better than that.

Two circumstances have arisen lately where expectations were seriously not met, and for whatever reason, they have continued to stay with me. But I'll start with something a little further removed.


total stranger breaks expectations

It has always amazed me how much people don't pay attention not only to elevator etiquette, but sometimes, just to the common sense courtesy and physical impossibility of not being able to enter an elevator until those already in it get off first. The building in which I work has banks of elevators. I was riding down to the first floor, and sometimes, you'll encounter people who for whatever reason, completely disregard that they're on the ground floor of a busy building, so more often than not, there is going to be someone getting off any random elevator. But sometimes, they're just not paying attention, and when they realize people are getting out of the elevator, they'll back off before getting in the elevator themselves.

Recently, the elevator I was in got to the ground floor, and I was at the front right by the doors, with others behind me. As soon as the doors opened, before I could exit the elevator, someone from outside walked right in, so that I had to actually move out of the way so she wouldn't walk into me. She wasn't oblivious or forgetful - she just didn't care. She needed to get into the elevator and nothing was going to stop her. As she walked by me, I said, "Thanks for waiting for us" as I made my way out of the elevator. It annoyed me, but I chalk it up to just random stranger rudeness, and my calling her on her rudeness was enough for me.


acquaintance breaks expectations

I had gone to the food court of a nearby shopping center for lunch, and I had placed my order and was waiting for my food to come up. I was standing not really paying attention to anything. I was then aware of someone coming and standing right by me, just about touching me, and it irritated me that some people were just not aware of personal space, so I moved away some and continued to stand and wait. I eventually started to look around, and I noticed that an acquaintance was standing a little bit away from me. It then hit me that she might have been the person who came to stand by me. I got her attention and asked if it was her, and she replied that it was. I asked why she didn't make her presence known, that I had thought it was a complete stranger. She didn't really answer. We chitchatted for a while, and then my food came up, so I bid her goodbye.

Some days later, I found out that she had mentioned the incident to a mutual friend. She apparently initially thought I was just ignoring her. Now, I would say that even though we're just acquaintances, she should know me well enough to know that I wouldn't be that abrupt with her, to just step a few feet away without even acknowledging her presence. On some occasions, I've run into people, whether friends or acquaintances, who haven't been particularly receptive to my friendly greeting at that time. I'm apparently an anomaly in that I don't immediately take offense that they're being rude to me, since that seems to be what a lot of people do. Instead, I generally figure something is going on with them that makes them not particularly social at that moment, and I either just let it go, or I might mention it in an email or later in person that they seemed preoccupied/upset/whatever and that I hoped things were ok.

Well, this acquaintance told the mutual friend that she knows oftentimes, I don't feel well, and when that's the case, I'm not particularly social or chatty. She figured that's what had happened, but she was still hurt by my actions.

I was floored. So she knew that I wasn't ignoring her on purpose, and I wasn't feeling badly enough that day to be less social than normal, but even if I had been, she was still going to be hurt, even if I felt so crappy that I wasn't in a position to be friendly with anyone? What the hell? So it's all about her? Even if I feel like crap, I'm still supposed to act and treat her as if I felt fine, just so she doesn't feel hurt? I would think it wouldn't take being a good friend to know that if someone isn't feeling well and not up to social interaction, then it's not anything personal against you. So I guess my physical, and mental, emotional, whatever, well-being is irrelevant as long as she gets the interaction she wants? I can't even fully describe how angry that makes me.


friend breaks expectations

I have a particular friend that I've known for quite some time, and we see each other maybe every couple of months. We get together for dinner and share what has been going on in each of our lives. Prior to a recent visit, she had mentioned that she had just come back from an overseas vacation. I had known she had been thinking about it, but I hadn't known she was actually going. That surprised me some, that she hadn't told me about it beforehand since she normally does, but I figured there was a lot to do to prepare and it wasn't like she was obligated to tell me, so it was no big deal. During the course of our time together, she told me many details about her trip. Most of it I found interesting, and parts were things that didn't particularly interest me, but I knew they were important to her, so I listened and asked questions. I looked at some pictures and a few of the videos, but I wasn't really interested in going through all of the multiple digital camera media that she'd filled on her trip. For most of the day, we talked about the various aspects of her trip.

I had mentioned to her prior to our visit that I'd had some travels as well, which while not nearly as exotic as hers, were very important to me. I knew she was excited about her trip, but there never really came a time for me to talk about my trips. I started to mention it a few times, and any time I said anything, I just really got the feeling that she had no interest whatsoever in what I was saying, since she wasn't giving any feedback, either in the way of comments or questions. After a few attempts and just a few details, I stopped talking about it.

Later in the conversation, I made a comment about how busy I'd been that month with the travels and other things going on, and her reaction was sort of that my activities didn't matter that much, but since she'd gone out of the country, her trip was a much bigger deal and time-consumer. I hadn't made the comment as any kind of point of comparison, merely as a detail of my life of late. I was really taken aback by that particular comment as well as her general apathy about anything I said about my trips. It was so completely different from what I'm used to from her, and I haven't been able to really process it. It comes up in my mind periodically, and it really bothers me, but there's no point in bringing it up again.

I'm not angry at her behaviour - mostly, I'm puzzled and confused, and yeah, partly hurt, that she knew how big a deal my trips were to me, but she couldn't listen to any of what I had to say about it, and we just spent most of the time with her talking about her trip. This is behaviour that is really so completely unlike her, and I guess that's why I haven't been able to let it go.