"The Emperor's New Groove" - Disney animated film review

The Disney animated movie that I watched for the first time last week was "The Emperor’s New Groove".

But first, a side note: I’ve never seen the Disney animated movie “Mulan”. It would definitely be on this to-watch list that I’m going through, but I wanted to see the live-action version first, but obviously, with its delayed release, I haven’t had a chance to do that. I don’t want to see the animated version this close to seeing the new version because I’d like to see the new film on its own merits, not in comparison to something else. So, I’m waiting until I can see the live-action version, and then some time after that, I’ll go back and see the animated version.

OK, back to last week's movie.

I will admit up front that I had serious biases against this film going in, which also accounts for the reason I’ve never seen it in the first place. I was pretty excited when I heard that they were working on a dramatic animated musical film called “Kingdom of the Sun”, especially since Sting was going to be doing the music, and I’m a Sting fan. And then, somehow, plans changed, and it wasn’t going to be called that anymore (I liked that title.), and now, it was going in a different direction, and it was now going to be a commentary, and would be called “The Emperor’s New Groove” instead. Well, it’s clear from the new title that it’s going to be a very different movie. Oh, and the lead will still be voiced by David Spade. Ugh. I am not a fan of David Spade. I am decidedly not a fan. I know many enjoy his particular flavor of comedy. I am not one of them. Have I made it clear that I do not enjoy David Spade’s brand of comedy and therefore avoid it? So, you’ve changed the animated film with Sting’s music into a comedy starring David Spade. That’s like promising me sushi and then trying to feed me dirt mixed with black licorice. (For those who don’t know, I do not like black licorice.)

Umm, yeah, no. And before any fans of David Spade try to expound the virtues of his comedy genius to me, I’m not saying he’s not talented or that he’s not funny. Many people find him one or the other or both. I’m saying *I* do not find him either, and I actually find him rather annoying, so my opinion of his work makes me not at all interested in watching him. OK?

OK, well, I tried to give the film as much of a chance going in as I could. I’ve seen films that are genres I don’t usually enjoy, and I’ve seen performers in things I don’t usually like, and in some cases, I’ve been very pleasantly surprised and actually enjoyed the film / performance. Maybe this will be one of those cases.

Yeah, no.

About 5 minutes into the film, I wanted to turn it off. I didn’t because I said I’d watch the film. I had to give it a chance.

10 - 15 minutes into the film, I *really* wanted to stop watching, and I would have if not for this little project that I’ve been engaged in. I forced myself to keep watching and mostly to keep paying attention.

Even from the very beginning of the film, Emperor Kuzco is every bit the self-centered, narcissistic, self-indulgent, unfeeling, unsympathetic, smarmy asshole that is the hallmark of David Spade’s characters that I despise. No one and nothing else matters, and he has to be the center of attention. Heck, that very sentiment is included in the plot of the story - don’t look at him, it’s my story, pay attention to me. He is a complete jerk the entire time, with zero consideration for anyone else.

Making a comparison to the prince in “Beauty and the Beast” is where I found him even more annoying. Like Kuzco, the prince was unkind and unfeeling and self-centered, and for his faults, he was turned into a beast who had to prove his worthiness to regain his life. He doesn’t know how to be nice and charming, but he tries with Belle, even though he fails many times. He learns empathy and caring and thinking of others.

On the other hand, Kuzco was accidentally turned into a llama instead of being killed, which is what rogue advisor Yzma intended when Kuzco put a stop to her attempt to usurp his position. He fired her, and in return, she wanted to kill him with poison, but her bungling assistant grabs the wrong potion instead. The entire time that Kuzco is a llama, he retains his asshole-ness, he thinks he’s just going to demand to be turned back into a human and it’ll happen, and he doesn’t change his mind about simply taking over a home and a village because he wants a summer home, and he even lies about changing his mind to the very person (Pacha) who he is kicking out of his home. He finally changes his mind at the last minute when he overhears Yzma say that she wants to find him and kill him like she’d intended, but again, his change is not because of his concern for anyone else. It’s still about him. He realizes he’s in danger, and that’s when he turns to Pacha for help. Yeah, at the end, he doesn’t take Pacha’s home and shares it instead (and apparently, that story bit is only because Sting sent a note to the production objecting to their original ending), but it’s so completely out of character for him without showing any reason for the change.

Pacha is the nice guy in town who can’t believe he’s losing his home, and he’s a family man, a husband and a dad, and he can’t bring himself to tell his wife or kids about the impending doom. And he really started to annoy me because no matter what Kuzco did or said to him, he was still nice to him and went above and beyond to help him. Dude, you’re a doormat. You don’t have to keep helping people who are consistently jerks to you.

I liked the little squirrel. I laughed when he wanted to pop the balloons so that it would awaken the panthers so that they would chase after Kuzco. I liked the panthers, and I especially liked the little baby panther.

Yzma was ok, and I enjoyed hearing her voiced by Eartha Kitt, but I wanted her to have more to do. I did think it was funny that she got turned into a little kitten.

As I continued to force myself to watch this movie, I kept thinking of “Leaving Las Vegas”. I hated that movie so much, and I really disliked Nicholas Cage’s character. I was rooting for him to die as early as possible because I knew that the movie would then be over. I had a similar feeling here. No, I didn’t root for Kuzco to die because I knew that wasn’t happening. I just wanted the plot to move along because I knew eventually, he was going to be turned back into a human and not take over Pancha’s house. The sooner that happened, the sooner the movie would be over.

Mercifully, the movie did eventually end. That’s 82 minutes of my life that I can’t get back. Wait, no, let’s say 75 minutes of my life I can’t get back. There were a few things that I did actually enjoy about the film, other than the squirrel and the panthers: 1) I liked the Tom Jones song. Of course, I’ve heard it in the context of many clips and such, but it was an inspired choice to get him to do the song. And he knocks it out of the park. 2) It happened many years ago, so I forget which runDisney race it was, but I think it was a 5K, and there was someone dressed in a costume for a race where I didn’t recognize the character. He was carrying a really tall tower on him, and he had to bend over quite a bit to get under the monorail track overhead in Downtown Disney after the race, which is where I saw him. I didn’t know until someone told me that it was a character from “The Emperor’s New Groove”, and now having seen the film, I know that it was Kronk carrying Yzma, so yeah, fantastic costume in and of itself, never mind running a race that way. And 3) They at least kept the Sting song which they played in the end credits, and I enjoyed it. And he even got an Oscar nomination for it!

So, after doing a little research, I realize that I need to find and watch the film “The Sweatbox”, which is a documentary about the making of “Kingdom of the Sun” and how it turned into “The Emperor’s New Groove’. The film was made by filmmaker Trudie Styler, who also happens to be married to Sting.