Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Hope Isn't Going to Bring Him Back
Normal routine, inconsequential activities. I check to see if I have any new email. And one comes in. And I freeze. It's an email from a friend. A friend who died almost 4 years ago. The email starts with a hello to me by name. Then a link. Then signed with his name.
I know it's spam. Under any other circumstances, from any other name in my address book, I'd just dismiss it as spam.
But for several moments, I wonder if he's managed to send me a message. What if I click on the link? Maybe there's something there. What if I dismiss it as simple spam and end up missing out on something from him? The urge is hard to fight. Just seeing his full name as the originator of the email. But the rational part of me knows it's a malicious email. Click on the link and who knows what mess I'll have gotten into. And I manage to hit delete.
And now, I'm sitting here, shaking, feeling sick, trying not to cry.
I think about him a lot. We had a lot of the same interests, and even with some of the stuff he was interested in that I'm not, I have lots of other friends who are, so I always see things that I would have talked to him about. It's more rare now when some reminder serves as a trigger that brings tears seemingly out of nowhere. I remember good times, and I might be melancholy and wistful that he's not here to share stuff with.
Just felt blindsided by this. Waiting for the feeling to pass.