Hope Isn't Going to Bring Him Back

Normal routine, inconsequential activities.  I check to see if I have any new email.  And one comes in.  And I freeze.  It's an email from a friend.  A friend who died almost 4 years ago.  The email starts with a hello to me by name.  Then a link.  Then signed with his name.

I know it's spam.  Under any other circumstances, from any other name in my address book, I'd just dismiss it as spam.

But for several moments, I wonder if he's managed to send me a message.  What if I click on the link?  Maybe there's something there.  What if I dismiss it as simple spam and end up missing out on something from him?  The urge is hard to fight.  Just seeing his full name as the originator of the email.  But the rational part of me knows it's a malicious email.  Click on the link and who knows what mess I'll have gotten into.  And I manage to hit delete.

And now, I'm sitting here, shaking, feeling sick, trying not to cry.


I think about him a lot.  We had a lot of the same interests, and even with some of the stuff he was interested in that I'm not, I have lots of other friends who are, so I always see things that I would have talked to him about.  It's more rare now when some reminder serves as a trigger that brings tears seemingly out of nowhere.  I remember good times, and I might be melancholy and wistful that he's not here to share stuff with.

Just felt blindsided by this.  Waiting for the feeling to pass.

Why I can't listen to Hamilton

Everyone knows that Hamilton is a recent darling of Broadway and cleaned up at the last Tony Awards.  I'll admit I don't know much about it, and I don't think I've actually heard any of the songs or music from it, at least that I'm aware of.  There hasn't been anything about it that has called out to me.  I like musical theatre generally, but there usually has to be a particular reason why a specific show might catch my attention.  Several months ago, this chain of thought went through my head.  And then I had a realization and burst into tears.  Hamilton is the perfect example of the kind of show that my friend Robert would have introduced me to.

The first time that happened was in 1997, when the animated movie "Anastasia" was released.  I had liked the movie and really enjoyed the songs.  Robert and I hadn't been friends for very long, but in that short time, we'd discovered a lot of common interests.  He told me that the two people responsible for the songs in that film, Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty, had also previously created a Broadway show called "Once on This Island", and if I liked the songs in the movie, I might like the songs in the show.  And the next time I saw him, he gave me a CD of the show soundtrack.  And I loved it.  I have since seen a couple of small productions of the show, including a terrific minimal-set production one by International City Theatre that Robert was actually able to attend with us, and my dream would be to see a full-scale production of the show.

"Wicked" was another popular show that I had zero interest in.  I knew a lot of people who loved the show, and I'd even seen the television ads for when the touring production was in town, but none of the bits and music did anything for me to want to see the show.  My first positive exposure to the show elements was probably when a couple of the songs were sung on different episodes of "Glee", which I was a huge fan of.  That made me vaguely interested in hearing the songs from the show, and I asked friends if anyone had a CD of the show soundtrack that I could listen to.  I had made arrangements with a friend to borrow the CD the next time I saw them.  But before that could happen, the CD showed up from Amazon at my house.  Robert had ordered it and sent it to me.  I did listen to it and ended up liking it and eventually saw the show.

It didn't always work when Robert sent me a CD.  He'd told me about a show he was particularly excited about called "Spring Awakening".  He had mentioned it one night during a phone call when we were obsessing over and dissected a couple of episodes of "Glee", and he brought up the show because some of the actors on "Glee" had been in this production.  Yep, the CD arrived at my house a few days later.  He'd mentioned elements of the story to me, and in this case, I'd wanted to read the play first, so I bought a copy.  Because of stuff going on at the time, I think I only got about 2/3 of the way through the play, and so I've never actually listened to the CD.  It's on the list to do someday.

I had met Robert because of our mutual love of Disneyland, and partly because of him, I was introduced to a musical stage show that was in Disneyland in the late 90's called "Festival of Fools", based on the Disney animated film "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".  I'd not seen the film but the stage show gave me an appreciation of the songs in the movie, which prepped me for seeing the full Broadway show when it debuted at the La Jolla Playhouse at the end of 2014.  The show is going to be at the La Mirada Theatre for the Performing Arts in the next few months, and we're planning to see the show there as well.

The last time Robert introduced me to a show was in early July 2014.  I got a couple of emails from Robert that didn't seem to make any sense, but I didn't have a chance to ask him about it immediately.  And then a few days later, I realized the emails didn't make sense because they were regarding a CD that he'd sent me that hadn't arrived yet.  He hadn't said anything previously to me about this show, but he'd apparently been listening to the CD a lot and decided I might like it.  The CD was for Idina Menzel's new Broadway show called "If/Then".  I did get a chance to listen to the CD a couple of times, and I liked it, but the story is a bit complicated and takes a bit of work to follow.  And not everything is evident from just listening to the CD.  Robert and I exchanged a couple of messages after I'd listened to the CD but never had the chance to have in-depth discussions about it.

We lost Robert to lymphoma on August 7, 2014.  As it turns out, the touring production of "If/Then" came to Los Angeles at the end of 2015, with Idina Menzel in the title role, no less, and I was glad I was able to see it and loved the show, but it was difficult to process that Robert wasn't around to see the show and that I couldn't talk to him about the show afterward.

Which brings me back to Hamilton, which is the kind of show that I think Robert would have loved, that he would have been excited about, that he would have talked about a lot, and I wouldn't have been surprised when the CD showed up in a package from Amazon at my house.  I might like the show and I might not.  But I'll never know because since Robert isn't here, that CD is never going to appear and I'm never going to listen to it.  And no, this is not a hint for friends, acquaintances and strangers to send me the CD.  It wouldn't work because it's not from Robert.  Every time I hear anything about Hamilton, I think of Robert.  My non-exposure to Hamilton is just one small indication of everything I've lost out on since Robert has been gone, movies and books and music that I haven't been able to talk to him about, experiences (his and mine) that we haven't been able to share, everything about this crazy election this year that we would have talked about.  And Disneyland.  Oh, so much Disneyland.

Two years seems like a long time and yet has also gone by in an instant.  Hugs to everyone missing someone today.

There, and Back Again OR Once More, With Feeling

It's been a year since my last entry, so I guess it's appropriate that I was back in the same race.  Rock n Roll San Diego 2014 was my first half marathon, and Rock n Roll San Diego 2015 was the first time I was doing the same half marathon for the second time and my seventh half marathon over all.

So much has changed over that year, some good, some bad.  And I could definitely feel the change with regard to the race this year compared to last year.

I had picked Rock n Roll San Diego as my first half marathon partly because it wasn't too far to go from home but mostly because of the four-hour time limit to finish the race.  In my training, I had determined that I could do a half marathon in that time period, and as I was training for the 2014 Avengers half marathon at Disneyland, which has a shorter time limit, I wanted to get experience in doing races first.  I had been to Rock n Roll San Diego in 2013 to cheer on two different friends who were running the marathon and half marathon, and I'd talked to my friend about the half marathon course, and it seemed like a good race to run.  I was still nervous about the race.  What if something went wrong?  I didn't know what to expect out of the race.  Luckily, the friend who'd done the half the previous year was also doing the race this year, and she stayed with me during the entire race, giving me little hints and encouragements, and it was a great way to experience a first half marathon.  I was pretty excited about finishing.

This year, it was a very different feeling.  I knew that I'd have no problem with the time limit, and it was the first half marathon where I knew I wasn't going to be swept.

It's definitely a much more freeing feeling, one I hadn't experienced before, and it freed me to enjoy the race, which I did.  My husband was doing the race this year as well, but we don't run races together, so after the race started, I wasn't going to see him again until after the finish line.  I found myself waving to so many of the spectators who lined the streets of the course, and I even talked to a few fellow participants during the race.  I enjoyed the scenery and was also able to look at the various businesses that were along the course, trying to make note of the ones I wanted to come back and visit when I wasn't just running past them.

It wasn't nearly the struggle it was last year, and I wasn't counting every mile.  I noticed most of the mile markers (I missed mile 2), but it wasn't the countdown to 13 that it sometimes is - it was just information.

There was one very big difference at this year's race, though.  Last year, after I'd posted on my Facebook page that I was doing this race, that it was going to be my first half marathon, my friend Robert called me within about half an hour to tell me his travel plans from Northern California, when he'd be arriving in San Diego, where he'd be staying, etc.  He wanted to be there to see me finish my first half marathon.  I was pretty happy about that, and we enjoyed spending the weekend with him.  At the time, we didn't know it would turn out to be one of the last weekends we'd spend with him.  Robert passed away from lymphoma on August 7, 2014.  I knew that going back to San Diego for this race this year was going to have its difficulties, especially since this race is specifically to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  We had a bit of a different schedule this year, which helped some, but I did find myself often thinking about what I was doing at that time last year.

I was running my race, and things were ok.  Then about half-way through the race, thing changed.  Last year, my husband and Robert were there after the finish line.  I knew that my husband would be there this year as well, because when we run the same race, he always finishes before me, but waits for me after the finish line but still in the racers area, so that we can get pictures together.  But this year, Robert wasn't going to be there.  He wasn't following my progress this year through runner tracking.  I wasn't going to see him after I finished my race.  And the thought was just overwhelming.  I spent about half a mile crying as I thought about that, and try as I might, I couldn't stop crying.  I can't imagine what spectators must have thought as I ran past in tears.  I eventually managed to pull myself together and proceeded with the rest of the race.

My only goal before the race started was that I wanted to finish with a faster time than I'd had last year.

Because it was my first race last year, I don't really remember too much about the course, but as I ran it this year, some things did look familiar to me and brought back some memories of last year's race.

I'm not really a fan of the course itself partly because there are quite a few hills.  Up and down both took their toll on my legs and knees since I don't have many inclines on my normal training routes, so I don't get nearly enough hill training.  The streets themselves also aren't in particularly good condition, so you have to pay a lot of attention to where you're going so that you're not stepping in potholes or uneven parts of the street.  But the absolute best thing about this race, and probably one of the reasons I plan to keep coming back, are the residents.  Their support is amazing.  They're on the streets in the business areas, and they're in front of their homes in the residential areas, and they are cheering and offering support and encouragement.  There are people of every age out there, from older people who are sitting in their wheelchairs smiling and waving at the passing racers to little kids out with their families.  Some are cheering for specific people but many are cheering whoever comes by.  Some offer assistance in the form of little snacks and treats, like pretzels and candy.  A couple of women on one street had rolls of paper towels and were pulling off sheets to people who wanted them to wipe down a little from the humid morning.  A couple of families were giving out little slices of oranges.  There are school cheerleaders along the way as well, and while I will admit that I normally don't pay that much attention to them, these particular groups of girls seemed different.  They were doing cheers of encouragement specifically aimed at the racers, and they really had just so much energy that you couldn't help but feel uplifted from it.  And those little boosts help to sustain you during the course.  The various bands I heard along the way were fun to listen to as well.  I think my favorite entertainment on the course, though, were the taiko drummers.  Love them.

And this year, I even interacted with the group of men who were in wigs and endowments, who showed up twice on the course.  They provided an energetic boost and quiet gentle encouragement, whatever was needed by the particular runner.  I particularly enjoyed getting the latter from them, just a nice quiet word and a pat on the shoulder as I ran past.

As I mentioned, the resident support is fantastic on this race.  Special shout out to the residents on the stretch of the race from about mile 4.5 to mile 5.  I really appreciated the special fuel you provided, and all with good humor.

I was definitely tired by the end of the race and feeling the hills along the course, but it was a good finish.  I did meet my goal of having a faster time than last year's race, so I was pretty happy about that.

I'd carried a reminder of Robert with me during the race, my way of taking him with me this year.  Robert and I met because of our mutual love of Disneyland, and Robert's favorite character was Sorcerer Mickey, so I had a little one with me during the entire race.  Some people saw him and commented on him, and he's in all of my pictures for this race.

Thanks to Rock n Roll for a great race.  It's incredibly well organized, especially when it involves being able to transport thousands of racers to the start line area.  Thanks to all of the volunteers.  You are very much appreciated.  And thanks again to the residents of San Diego.  You are awesome.

See you next year.

13.1 Thoughts on Being Half Crazy

(car magnet from onemoremile.net)

1.  October 14, 2012 - It all started that day when I did my first 5K, CHOC Walk in the Park, and I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to make it through the untimed, leisurely stroll through Disneyland and Disney California Adventure.

2. January 5, 2013 - New Year's Race 5K - 1:01:33
    February 10, 2013 - Live Ultimate 5K - 51:51.80
    March 10, 2013 - Knott's Coaster Run 10K - 1:40:39
    August 31, 2013 - Disneyland 10K - 1:44:11
    January 18, 2014 - Tinker Bell 10K - 1:39:04
    April 5, 2014 - Hollywood 10K - 1:37:12.5

3.  Things that only make sense during a race - Random people standing in front of their houses offering food (like bacon and fruit and pretzels and water) to strangers, and the strangers gladly and thankfully accept the offerings, no questions asked.

4.  That moment when you're watching one of the spectators standing on a lawn, and you wonder why a guy is wearing a big scarf wrapped around his neck during an already-warm morning, and you suddenly realize that it's not a scarf, it's a giant snake, just as you hear the people behind you remark on it.  And just as you're moving further into the middle of the street, away from the man, your friend has noticed the man also and is right next to you telling you not to look and shielding the view from your eyes.

5.  You wonder why you're walking funny all of a sudden, like you're having trouble keeping balance without situating your feet oddly, and your friend points out that the street is sloping downward and suggests moving toward the middle of the street where the road is not slanted.

6.  At one point, there was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6, who was standing with her family, presumably in front of their house, cheering on the race participants.  I could see her looking at the people individually, and then she saw me, and she came up to me as I went past her.  "May I run with you for a little bit?" she said to me.  "Sure," I said, "but I think you might be faster than me."  She did run but kept right beside me for about half a block, and we chitchatted a bit.  When we got to the end of the block, she stopped, and I said thank you and goodbye to her.  It was so sweet, and it definitely gave me a boost for a little while.

7.  A hill after mile 10 of a half marathon is just mean.

8.  Thank you to Jen for doing the entire race with me, for sharing the experience with me, for helping me navigate my first half marathon, for giving me tips on how to handle certain obstacles and for making it all so much more fun.

9.  Thanks to God for giving me a good race day on my first half marathon.  Many physical challenges have arisen, and some days, even walking half a mile would be impossible.  But so far, a bad day has never fallen on a race day, and this was no exception.  The two weeks prior to the race were very challenging, and I was concerned how that was going to affect me during the race.  But come race day, I felt ok, and during the race, I battled "I don't want to", and while that has its own challenges, it was something I could overcome, whereas "I physically cannot do this" is not.  I put off doing CHOC Walk for a year because I was worried.  What if one of the really bad days happens on race day?  What if I sign up and then that day, I can't even get out of bed?  And I finally decided, if it happened, I'd deal with it, but putting it on hold for "what if" meant it was never going to happen.  Thank God for taking care of me on my race days, no matter the obstacles that might arise beforehand.

10.  Thank you to Robert for coming down to San Diego to cheer me on.  I was so happy and shocked and grateful when he first told me he was coming, and for a multitude of reasons, it was so nice to be able to spend the weekend with him with us, and to see yet another friendly face after the finish line.


11.  June 1, 2014 - Rock n Roll San Diego Half Marathon - 3:41:37

 
12.  Thank you to everyone who worked to put together Rock n Roll San Diego, and a special thank you to all the people who worked and volunteered during the event, and an extra special thank you to all the spectators who stood in front of their houses and on public streets giving out support and cheers and encouragement.  Thanks to all of you.

13.  Special thanks to everyone who has given me encouragement and support from one race to another, from one difficult training outing to another, in every victory that has occurred and in moments when I wonder why I'm doing this and am discouraged beyond words.  Every little bit has helped, believe me, in ways I can't properly express.  Extra special thanks to everyone who has patiently helped me by answering the many questions I've had, and especially for those times when I've been offered unsolicited advice and tips, because I don't even know enough to ask the right questions yet.  Your sharing of your knowledge and experience with me is greatly appreciated.

13.1  I did it, Margaret.  I did it!